


Slowly, And Then All At Once

by knives2490



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode: s01e28 The City on the Edge of Forever, Falling In Love, M/M, Requited Unrequited Love, Sadpants, Space Husbands, Spirk is Canon, Unresolved, jelly!spock, k/s - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-25 16:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14382756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knives2490/pseuds/knives2490
Summary: Super angsty Kirk/Spock being in their heads about their love for one another. References City on the Edge of Forever. Potential for slow build. My first fic.





	Slowly, And Then All At Once

Jim fell in love with Spock almost instantly. With Spock's hard, angular face contradicting soft, expressive eyes. Well, they were expressive to Jim anyway. Honestly, he didn’t understand why everyone else couldn’t look past Spock's stern-set mouth and seemingly immobile expression. They were thin veils to the real Spock... to playful brown eyes (and eyebrows) that quirked with curiosity, confusion and humor. And it wasn’t as though Jim hadn’t noticed how Spock was different around him than others. The prolonged eye contact, the occasional touch of an elbow or wrist, the subtle teasing.

And yet... it never went past that.

Jim was, of course, waiting for the right moment. He could see it in his mind--that moment when he would brush his hand purposefully against Spock’s, fixing him with a look that balanced the perfect mix of desire and uncertainty. Jim also waited for the moment that maybe Spock, with his subtle half-smile, would one evening confess that it was only logical to be in love.

Jim waited and waited, but their dynamic remained static. Amazing as it was, of course, but static. It seemed they were meant to be very good friends and Jim found it hard to complain. In spite of his daily longing, how could he be upset about the best relationship he’d ever had? How could he complain when he knew how lucky, privileged even, he was to have Spock in his life at all? To have Spock’s prolonged eye contact, occasional touches and subtle teasing. All it took was a flutter of Spock’s eyelashes to plaster a smile on Jim’s face for a week. How could he ever be ungrateful for that? How could he ever jeopardize that by wanting more than was possible, more than Spock was able to give?

No, Jim decided. After all that waiting, Jim knew that the waiting for over and time for accepting was now. Spock was not an object to be pined over, he was his best friend. Jim refused to fantasize about the nebulous “more” that could, maybe be between them. Instead he resolved to be content with the amazing gift that had been given to him. It took some time, but Jim finally came to terms with this... just in time for an ill-fated trip to New York City.

\-----------------

Jim and Spock had followed Bones through the portal to correct whatever mistake had been made to rewrite all their histories. Little did Jim know he was doomed to have his heart ripped out of his chest after having the most brief requited love with one Edith Keeler. And little did Spock know that this was the moment he would realize that he was in love with Jim Kirk. 

\-----------------

Spock had not fallen in love instantly. Spock fell in love so slowly, so incrementally, that when his brain finally caught up with his heart, he could not even pinpoint the exact moment he had fallen in love with Jim.

He could, however, remember the moment he recognized that feeling--that feeling that once been a small glowing ember, but had now grown into a consummate fire--as love. It had begun to rise the moment Miss Keeler had made her uncannily perceptive statement about where Spock belonged.

“You?” she pondered rhetorically. “At his side, as if you’ve always been there and always will.” His side, being Jim's side, of course. Over their shared time together in the cramped New York City room or “flop” as it were, that swell of recognition grew, until he was nearly poetic.

And then Jim had gone out, on a date, with this Keeler woman and Spock felt a dangerous emotion overtake that bursting rise of affection--envy. Spock swallowed the bile in his mouth and that was it. That was the moment he realized he was in love with Jim Kirk and it was also the moment he realized how futile that love was. How pointless when Jim was with another.

Again, Spock found himself overwhelmed with negative emotions. He felt envious, jealous, possessive, and selfish. Not only were these human emotions, but they were distasteful human emotions. Emotions so disgusting that even humans found the need to suppress them.

Spock soberly understood that, not only was his love without purpose, but it also created the potential for unwanted emotions and Spock vowed to suppress it. His love was not logical. Spock did not even consider that his feelings of love were mutual. And it would have also been illogical to calculate the 0.007% likelihood that Jim returned his feelings. No, it was better not to know a number like 0.006812%.

And so Spock meditated that evening, and most evenings thereafter with thoughts inevitably returning to Jim. But he stayed true to his vow and sorted through his most dangerous emotions, until they were almost of no consequence at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Have a couple ideas about how I would continue, but not sure I want to! I mean, who needs a happy resolution with such sweet sorrow? ;)


End file.
